The Nut Never falls very Far…?

I find that I hear that expression or some variation to it quite often.  Nut, apple or Hand grenade it doesn’t really matter the idea is that it never falls far from the tree. the family tree in this case.  I was born in the last year of the Baby boom, 1964 and I am aware that there are some out there whom feel that we boomers have had it way too easy and maybe they are right. But of course I am not a millennial or a gen X er so when I look back I think about my mother and father and even my grand parents. My grandparents where grown during WWII and I even had an great Uncle that served in the pacific theater. My Mom was a college graduate and my old man served in peace time in the navy among other things and eventually settled in a fat factory job in my home town. To hear Dad or my Maternal Grandfather talk about it, it all came down to planning and scrimping and saving and working hard.

I worked hard, I scrimped, I planned, how come none of my aspirations came true? Why was I unable to accomplish the simple goals I had set out for myself such as graduate college, work for a short time in the field and then return for a higher degree? Maybe none of this was a question of my bad luck or lack of effort, maybe it was a question of their good luck and lack of effort. It is even possible to admit that with all the effort in the world some has to be said for timing, luck. Nothing is accomplished in the American sense through just hard work.

None of this is really here of there, its just a way to get across just how far a skew my life’s journey has gone. Some times I even wonder if all those people from those not so distant years ago were even real. That instead they might be some figment of my baffled brain. That’s just the way it feels until I hear their voices squeak out from between my lips. For some time I used the word Evidently in stead of “I think so,” and would while on kitchen duty, swamped with complaints about how terrible the food I had prepared was I would hear my self make a noise my maternal grandmother would make under the same circumstances. I found it a bit unsettling at first just how foreign these sounds and words, uttered by my own mouth, sounded. It was as if My grandmother were speaking to me from beyond the grave through my own memories. I hum when I eat, a habit I am trying to break, like my Maternal grandfather did years ago. It was at his knee that I learned what I know about the investment markets before I even started High school. I can feel his influence in the way I think about the world and in the manner in which I assess risk. My father taught me about the importance of PRESENCE as that was his game. The ability to intimidate simple by the way you stood, where you put your hands and when the chips are done, nothing sends shivers down there spine as fast as a nice toothy smile. I learned the reverse as well, how not to intimidate, how to appear safe or harmless and most importantly how to assess who represented what level of danger when I was walking on the streets. My Mother was an intellectual snob with a gift for sarcasm, this I inherited from her and there are I times when I find myself repeated some thing she said over three decades ago verbatim , or so it seems…

The strange thing to me is that they are all dead, so in some way people really do live on not just n the memory of others but in their very personalities.  I sometimes wonder what remnants have been passed to me from the distant past from people unknown to any involved. the pieces of themselves handed down by the unsuspecting.  How much of me is in the strictest sense, is actually me and not someone else transplanted.  This is a question that is impossible to answer.  “To Thy Own self be true,” is a famous quote from Shakespeare.  That’s how I remember it but hell I could be wrong.  I’m pulling this stuff out of my ass after all and I could be mistaken.  It leaves an unsettling question which is, how can you be true to yourself if you do not know yourself?  I have spent a great deal of time an effort, through meditation and simple introspection trying to understand myself, know myself and it has become apparent to me that there will always be parts of me that I will never know.  This is painfully obvious when someone points out a quirk of my behavior that I was previously unaware of, this I appreciated.  Whether one finds such a thing ,an event, that they appreciate or that they find irritating is dependent on the personalities involved.   Meta, my wife, is a person I wanted to get to know well.  She has been a project of mine, to know her moods, to grasp when there is something bothering her that she needs to speak about but maybe feels that she cannot.  If there are aspects of myself I cannot know then how much of her can I truly know?  There must be aspects to her self that are hidden from me.  This is a profound truth that everyone needs to grasp.

There is a point to this, I think.

We had been married for some few years and one of the hobbies we both enjoyed was and is camping.  At this time I can’t say exactly when this event happened.  There were others but this was the most profound and crisp as it was the first.  We were camping at a place called Hearts Content in the Allegheny’s.  I remember it because over the first night we were there, in early summer, a strange crop of fungus had popped up all around our campsite.  I believe that these strange little critters were fungus but I wouldn’t bet on it.  I want to say that they came up over night but maybe they were there the first day and we just didn’t “see” them.  At any rate we had taken and interest in these strange pale pink little life forms and were walking out farther in the brush in out effort to survey them.  We were talking about something that escapes my recollection.  I remember looking at her.  She was looking back at me.  She was smiling.  It was the strangest thing.  I am a schizophrenic and I have become accustom to strange visual effects but this was most peculiar.   She had become two dimensional in a surreal sense, still in color but yet foreign.  I was struck by the fact that I knew nothing about the woman that I had been married to for, by that time three or four years.  She was a stranger.  I remember asking her, pointing my finger from she to me, “Were Married?  That’s right isn’t it?”

She said yes.

I explained that I had just had the intense experience that she was unknown to me.  She told me to just let it slid.  She had the same experience on occasion when she looked at me.  We both agreed that it was an uncomfortable feeling.

In the end you can’t truly know anyone.  Knowing is a work in progress, it never ends.  We are finally confronted with the odd fact that it is impossible to eliminate risk in our personal relationships.  We will lose those we love, we will be betrayed and we will betray.  All we have left is to simply trust.  It is on trusting where the greatest threat, the most dangerous risk lies.  But in the en d we must take that risk if we want to live a meaningful life.

Be Blessed in all things

Desiderata

This has gotten me through some bleak and dark times. I am under the impression that others are now or are about to face times like these themselves on a scale that I don’t believe we have seen in some time, more than my life time.  Kt isn’t the end of the world but we all need something at times like these.  With this in mind I leave this prayer, though it can be used for reflection, an affirmation or m meditation.  I hope it helps yo9u as much as it did me.

 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there maybe in silence.  As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.  Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.  If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; dor always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.  Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.  Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.  Especially, do not feign affection.  Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.  Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings.  Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.  Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and he stars; you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, there is no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.  Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy.

 

 

I have no idea who originated this prayer and I believe that it is public domain.  It it is not I apologize.

 

In all things, be blessed.

Understanding Power Part III

Before I begin and as I have stated before I believe that every human being has the right to self defense.  This in no way includes the right to preemptive self defense.  Preemption is the idea that some one or some thing represents a threat to you, or may at some later date possess the means to be a threat to you there fore you will attack first as a form of self defense.  The best defense is a good offense is how the quote goes but I can’t remember whom to attribute it to.  I see this argument as a pretense for aggression and nothing else.

This portion of this hopeless ramble of bullshit deals with great power.  Great power, for the sake of this discussion is defined by the ability to protect force in a transnational sense.  Force here is defined as the ability to influence another nations attitudes in a profound manner so force could be military (The simplest and easiest to understand), economic or through political/cultural influence.

In this world of great powers not all are equal so first you have are great nations which have the ability to project power along one or maybe two of the previously listed metrics into a transnational space that might be referred to as a sphere of influence.  The greatest of these, called a Super power, can project power along all metrics across the globe which is not, in my limited experience, referred to as a sphere of influence.

It had been in my examination of these systems here in my own country, the United States of America that I began to  notice something quite peculiar.  These great systems or structures, be they government, corporate or religious often behaved in ways that seemed contrary to their rhetoric, advertising and or philosophy/theology.  I must admit I found this quite vexing especially when taking in consideration along with the whistle blower phenomena.

I realized, through sort of a visual model, that these huge systems where much like human bodies.  If you see the base living component of the human body as the cell which bears little actual resemblance to the body as a whole and realized that there was a parallel in these systems, the individual human which also bore little resemblance to the whole system be it government, corporate or religious sort of created an odd space in my thinking.  The cells that compose the lungs are different from those that compose the muscles or the brain just like the people, their background and education, even their attitudes vary whether they are the FBI, CIA, HUD, the Executive or even the Legislative and so on.  But this isn’t how these systems are generally depicted, they are illustrated as a face, a person, like the leader of the government.  When we think of out government or a religion or a corporation what do we see in our minds eye.  I know what I see in mine and I now what we are shown on television and the web, the face of a single person, male or female.  We do not see all the human beings who make up the systems just like when we see a person, we see their face, maybe their arms and legs and the clothes they might be wearing but not all the cells that make up their body.

This struck me with a strange fascination, I mean was it possible to draw a parallel between a single living human entity and a complex social system?  I immediately saw, see, one commonality at least symbolically.  A Human’s body runs on blood like a car runs on gasoline.  Though the processes are chemically different they are effectively similar.  So our blood feeds our muscles, all the cells of our body with oxygen and other nutrients that allow us to function, to move to work or go about our day yes even to be happy.  A system has a circulatory system as well but this system is powered by currency, cash.  It could be powered on some other system of trade like barter but this effectively stunts a systems ability to project power plus in inflicts an odd lethargy upon the system in question.  So a system, that is capable of projecting power, like our government, a religion or a corporation has cash coursing through its veins.  It is these massive systems that oversee or manage the larger mass of people that live with in and about the base and compose the geography of the system.  There is a relationship between the human geography and the system that manages it known as the social contract.  The social contract can mean many things and we will skip it now and simply leave it as the arrangement between the governed and the governing.  A good fair contract benefits all parties involved but as one studies the behavior of these large systems over time (History) at some point there is a shift in social policy which is reflected in the aforementioned contract.  It is during these critical shifts in the underlying philosophy that tension begins or magnifies between the system and the human geography it manages.

Remember that notion of simple power I referred to as the hand gun or the fire arm or even the assault rifle?  It should be understood that the Systems has weapons of its own but not like a poor man or woman’s lone rifle.  The systems weapons include the military, army, navy, marines and air force along with federal, state and local law enforcement as well as various intelligence agencies and to some considerable degree the mass media.  The question that one has to ask one’s self is why does the system need all this power?  Its is a simple answer really, like you, the system wants to survive, it possesses and instinct to survive just like you and I.

The first thing that needs to be understood when a systems goes awry is why.  Problem number one, and this is an important problem, corruption.  This form or corruption should not be thought of as rot, at least not in the early stages.  Instead it should be though of more like hardening of the arteries or a narrowing of the flow of cash to a key regions or organs of the system.  IT is the preferential allocation of cash based on a personal bias that leads to problems with in the system.  Suddenly individual organs inside the system find themselves struggling with one another in order to stay healthy.  This struggle is most clearly understood through the rhetoric of the various representatives and parties involved.  This type of corruption can lead to an imbalance that if not properly addressed can lead to rot in the system proper.  This type of corruption begins with a simple shift in philosophy lets say from a land that is free for all or all people a equally free to a philosophy where some are more free than others.  If the system started in a place that lacked an equity between people that the system it self stated as god given,. for example, them it begins in a hole of corruption which makes the on set of real rot harder to resist.  The second thing to understand, al least as far as I can tell, is inertia.  A system is like any other body in space, it resists change in state.  The longer, farther and faster it heads in a particular direction the harder and harder it is to institute any change in the systems state.

To fully understand the situation the student must make the effort to separate the advertising about the system and try to grasp what the original intentions of the builders of the system where and this my friends is far more difficult that it sounds, but, if insight can be gained then it may become clear how to change the course, the path of the system, to change its state, with a simple efficient application of a minimum amount of force.

Its worth a try, anything is better than armed conflict.

Understanding Power Part II

I tend to think of Part I as Simple power while Part II deals more with complex power.

Before I continue I wold once again like to state that I believe that every human being has the right to defend themselves.  It should be understood that some believe that a good offense is the best defense but the moment that one makes the argument for any form of preemption in the name of self defense that one should always suspect that it is, in reality, an argument for aggression.

Complex power, for the sake of thus discussion is dependent on developed societies in order to exist.  Developed societies is a polite way of saying civilized.  Civilized societies have institutionalized structures, the peculiarity of division of labor and more often than not hierarchical leadership structures.  These concepts are all part of the discipline of sociology a part of academia I sort of backed my way into in an informal sense.  The first limitation I wish to place on this form of moderate power is that it is an aspect of social systems whose reach could be the size of a county, a township, a municipality,. a state or providence, a medium sized corporation, a small religious tradition or even a small country.  The key in understanding scale is firstly realizing that these entities have little or no ability to project power much beyond the region in which they dwell.  This inability to project power and the small scale of this tier of power allows the people who both compose the organs of the system or systems as well as the individuals that cohabit with the system to know each other or at least have the possibility of knowing each other.

Television, mass media and yes, even the internet create the illusion of knowing another person but that is not the same, for the sake of this discussion, of knowing a person in the sense of sharing any given three dimensional space.  The holders of power and the rest of the population can actual be on good speaking terms, go to each others birthday parties, visit each other when they are sick and attend functions both social, educational or managerial.  This is an effort to get across the scale of these intermediate systems.  Let it be understood that just because you can or the possibility exists to share 3D space with a person doesn’t mean that you do, only the possibility must exist in a probable and realistic manner for it to qualify.

Also in the realm of intermediate power there is at least the illusion of accountability for those who hold said power’s actions.  What this means is that if a person who holds a position of power commits a crime in the codified sense then there are criminal consequences or at the very least the illusion of consequences.  This means a trial and the possibility of prison just like those of us who live around, under or work with in said system.  What is important here is that the illusion of consequences be realistic so that it could be said that on occasion some one has to pay the piper as it were.

So what are the prerequisites to hold said power?

Power can be obtained several ways,  it could be a question of status of family, by election of your peers,by accreditation and possible do to personality and appearance (Charisma).

Here are a few quick illustrations.

Family Status is usually connected to both wealth and influence.  Those two things, wealth an d influence, regardless of the nation state or region you might examine, seem universal.  The was a gentleman, who had recently passed beyond the veil, that I had become familiar with through the local historical society.  His family was long established in my community and still held some considerable capital though not as much as they had in the past.  He worked as a middle school  principal.  He was always being quoted in the paper as though his thoughts on our little community had any real relevance and he traveled to Washington D.C.  once a month for some sort of a panel at the capital.  This was mentioned as an aside and I didn’t pry.  There is no doubt that he had much experience that would have been valuable to any inquiry specifically round the topic of education.  I am also certain that most people who have been seriously involved in education for any reasonable length of time would also have ideas and experiences that would be equally valuable.  I was left wondering why the preference?

My grandfather was also a school teacher and a high school coach, basket ball, Football and base ball.  His power came from accreditation as he was the first person in the state of Ohio to earn a masters degree in education.  He also had a gift for turning some coin in the world of investing so he was something of a self made man.  He too held a great deal of sway in my small city.  He could get people, especially minors out of jail on his word alone.  He had the ear of judges, lawyers, doctors, members of law enforcement, school teachers and even people in the government at the state level.  This power was able to change someone in my locality circumstances when it came to their status with the various systems that govern the world in which I lived.  He also held elected office in my small city.

And we must not forget Doctors, They have power too. They have the power to not take you as a patient.  If you should pass from inability to receive medical care they will not be held liable in any way though they may be held liable in the case of malpractice thus the illusion of consequences.  People will talk about health care reform (Health Care affordability and Portability Act) as though it has revolutionized access to medical services.  Down here where I live and most of my friends live the system has some serious kinks to be worked out.  People are having a harder time finding the kind and quality of care that they could before the Acts passage.  I have no idea what it is like in the big cities, I can only speak of the few cases of which I am aware.  This aside, I know of three cases where a Doctor decided they weren’t going to see a patient any more.  They did not state a reason why and continued to practice in the local community.  My point of view on this may seem a bit harsh and in all honestly I don’t care whether doctors only treat people that can afford their services and the rest be damned.  I am simply using it as an illustration of power.  Meta and I have debated whether or not the Hippocratic oath is still taken when doctors finish their education.  She feels that it is not, I feel that it is but it is nothing more than smoke and it been like that for a long time.

Then there is all that chatter over law enforcement with in the realm of police brutality.  I am mixed on this but for the sake of this conversation, if a person, due to the position they hold, can cripple or kill another human being under circumstances other  than self defense then what we are seeing is an example of power.  There are occasions when charges are brought against police officers for  improper use of force which creates the realistic illusion of accountability.

I’m sure that you can come with examples better than mine.  In any case, for what ever it was worth, i hope this was worth the time you spent reading it.

Understanding Power Part I

Before I Begin I want to say that I believe that every human being has the right to self defense.  Self Defense, in my view, does not include preemption.  You or I do not have the right to attack some one or aggressively defend ourselves against the notion of a potential threat.  This aggressive form of self defense also know as preemption isn’t really self defense.  Its aggression, its an attack, we would be going on the offensive.  We can’t just run around attacking people because we don’t like the way they look, that they make us nervous, have different beliefs or look at us funny.

None the Less I support an individual or a populations right to defend themselves by any means once they are under attack, once the lead starts flying as it were.

This is about understanding power and this first installment is about simple power.  I began this post with the statement that I believe in a person’s right to self defense because to a considerable extent simple power deals with the second amendment.  I am 51 years of age and the debate around the second amendment, gun control, has been going on as long as I can remember.  People older than me yet remember this debate as a sort of a back ground noise of their life.  First I’d like to admit that I support the second amendment.  This of course has caused me some concern as I have listened to the last round of debate on the issue of gun control.  It seems to me that the bulk of the people supporting the amendment and resisting any form of gun control make all gun control advocates look like lunatics.  There has been this phrase I have been hearing, now it may have been said in the past and often but this is the first time that I have heard it, and that phrase is “Gun Culture.”

What the Fuck does “Gun Culture” mean?  When I hear the term used, whether the speaker is a citizen of our fair country or a foreign devil, it sounds like some kind of a slam, an insult.  I really had to think on the term for a while to try and get a handle on it.  The internet as a tool for enlightenment was useless in this endeavor and there was no hard copy dictionary definition.  It was frustrating and annoying, all those grinning jar headed, glassy eyed, slack jawed idiots grinning and muttering the word “gun culture” left me with the same putrid feeling as some other pudding for brains, soft bottomed, over privileged turd using the term “White Culture.”

What were these phrases?  Where they some kind of a code, an inside joke, or the result of a group of demographers with a few carefully selected focus groups and their careful search for a phrase that would have some desired effect even though it didn’t actually mean anything?  The thing was, though it kept nagging at me something terrible, that the phrase “Gun Culture” does mean something.  We need to come to grips with the fact that if the citizenry of the United States did not possess military grade firearms in the distant past then our country would, in all likelihood, bear little resemblance to what it is today.  The destruction of the Native population, Genocide if you will, would have been impossible with out an armed citizenry.  The institution of Slavery, which went a long way to making the U.S. a rich country as only free labor can, also would have been impossible with out an armed citizenry.  I realize that these ideas may make people uncomfortable or uneasy but to say otherwise would be grossly unfair and dishonest.

The U.S. expansion into South and Central America after the Spanish American war, our participation in WW I and WW II would have been far less spectacular without a populous that was familiar with the use of fire arms.  Just imagine how quickly forces could be mobilized and fielded when the population already know how to use a gun then when they have to be trained from scratch.  Then of course there is F.D.R and the great depression.  Doctor Richard Wolf has a very interesting interpretation of Roosevelt’s New Deal policies and why they occurred.  It seems that the depression had brought our fair nation to the brink of civil war.  Back then not only where we armed we were also organized.  That’s a damn scary combination.  There were labor unions, political parties, progressives, Communists, Socialists, Antichrists and they shared members, meaning one person could be a member of more than on group union or party.  So when we retell the tale we simple talk about what a Commie FDR was because we most certainly don’t want to encourage the population of our fine nation to organize for a better life.  Maybe these kind of ideas are what is meant by the phrase “Gun Culture.”

In the past these far Left organizations use to scare the shit out of the government but decades of propaganda appealing to individual enrichment and anti union sediment have left our country with out a left wing any longer.  Now the concern is the far right, The Militia, Radical Religious Groups. and Anti Governmental organizations.  When I hear the media discuss these groups, which is rare since I don”t get cable in my home, they fix their side of the argument around the criminal threat and the threat of Terrorism if they are in favor of gun control and if they are against Gun Control them the argument revolves around protecting national sovereignty, defending our boarders (Illegal immigration) and being able to resist the government if it should get to big for its britches.  Then of course there are all the conspiracy theories around the NWO, Agenda 21, Chemtrails, death camps and the coming economic collapse and lets not forget about the Apocalypse although I am not sure what good guns will do a person if the world is ending.  At some point, when the debate turns serious it becomes simply, gun control prevents crime versus an armed citizenry prevents crime.  This is known as framing the argument.  Setting the terms of the debate so that no concept out side of the accepted spectrum of conversation can be discussed.  What is it they don’t really want to talk about?

The more I think about it the more its seems to be true.  What is it that guns represent to most people?  IN the simplest term guns, rifles or pistols represent power.  A firearm is the simplest form of power that any person can grasp.  It is power over your own life, power over other peoples lives, it is your independence and it is your ability to affect your world if you should feel the need.  We in the United States are an Nation of individuals so we lack the large organizations that other developed or Western nations have to affect change in their countries, all we have is fire arms.  It was while I sitting and thinking about this that I realized another very powerful tool we littel people have at our disposal.  That other powerful tool is the ability to say NO.  It is true that first few of us who say NO may pay with our lives.  It is also true that it is hard to say NO, especially to something or someone you care about.   Maybe it is just easier to pop a couple rounds off into a crowd.  Remember that the next time you decide to, or see footage of, somebody walking down the street with an AR 15 over their shoulder to protest for their right to bear arms.  I guess in the end its a lot easier for us to kill each other then it is to negotiate or organize or to simply say NO and stop participating.  Remember this the next time you witness a debate, whether in person or on television, as the discussion devolves into some ridiculous sensationalist piece of political theater that turns your stomach, because it should.

Those jar headed grinning idiots are trying to marginalize the whole of us because what the debate is about is power and taking away yours.  If you can’t own a fire arm legally, a weapon competitive with military hard ware, you can’t work up the courage to say NO and you refuse to organize, Well, what are you gonna do?  Where will you find your power?

11/10/2015

It is amazing how time races right passed you, or me in this case.  Its been like that since I turned my television off permanently back on 9/11/2001.  I don’t have any sense of the passing of time any how so things tend to distort and then at some seemingly irrelevant point it all catches up to me in a surreal mental explosion.

That is basically what I am feeling today.  The old man, my father died two years ago this coming February. Meta has been rolling along on her manuscript to a staggering 940 pages which I find impressive.  I on the other hand have been trying tto quit smoking with less than remarkable success. Managing up to four days smoke free at a time.  The problem is that I don’t want to quit and only under the condition that this state of quit would only be a temporary thing have I been able to achieve what little success I have had so far.  I figure the better approach would be to limit not only the number of packs I buy in any given month but also limit the number of days I smoke.

I’ve been two days smoke free this night and i hope to sty that way until the afternoon of the seventeenth the Thursday next.  I’m not doing this for my health.  Meta and I live on a small fixed income and in this economy, especially food prices. the cost of everything is becoming obscene so if I cut down on my luxury because we need the cash for other stuff in our little life.

No Matter and No Worries.

Everything seems to work out one way or the other

9/26/2014

Time is harder to hold on to than water with greasy hands.  Earlier this year a weird realization came over me.  It stopped me in my tracks and I have spent time over many late nights trying to digest it.  I have known my wife, Meta, longer than I knew my mother.  I have been carnal with Meta longer than I knew my mother and in three more years I will have been married longer than I k was my mothers child.  It left me rather unsettled.

Its been during this time that I have struggled with quitting smoking.  Mom and Dad both smoked thou it was a car that killed Mom not tobacco.  There are far sadder stories than mine and I did learn a great deal about finite mortal living.  I passed my 50th birthday which has driven to me to try and figure out what I have learned in this life and hope that it is something worth sharing.  I’m kind of a freak as it is, sort of a walking anomaly.

So my love affair with tobacco, cuz that’s what it is, an affair.  First thing, those anti smoking advertisements must be aimed at non smokers because every time I see one I can’t fight the urge to light up.  What’s the deal with that anyway?  Is it possible that some clever marketing man figured out away to fulfill the tobacco settlement and advertise smokes on television?

Damn if that doesn’t sound paranoid.

I want to say, for the record. that I do not disagree with the statement that cigarettes pose a serious risk to my own health and the health of others, and that tobacco, especially factory tobacco is addictive.  I am addicted.  But I also like smoking.  The weird thing is that the audio, visual and tactile effects of being schizophrenic (hallucinations, illusions or delusions) get worse while I am quitting.  I barely leave the apartment as it is.  This isn’t an effort to convince anyone of anything, just is whether you believe it or not.  It seems these symptoms get  worse now then before dialysis (That’s a whole other story for another time.)

The loss of my Mom taught me to get to know the people you care about before you loose each other cuz at some point it will happen.  You will lose each other.  Know your beloved gives you better memories and less shoulda, woulda. coulda than the alternative, say it later.  Regardless of the conditions of the day always end your time by saying “I love you,” if indeed you do.  While I was dealing with kidney failure I was terrified that Meta and I would ppart ways before I coulld say it to her one last time. I wasn’t afraid of the fatal moment.  What frightened me was the idea that I woulpd goo with out taking the sound, touch and her image with me.

Total corn but true none-the-less.

I am not quitting smoking for my health nor Meta.  This is the simple contradiction of being human…to be smart enough to know the right road to take but not wise enough to take it.  I am not quitting because I want to and no I don’t have cancer.  Its the economy that’s provides the motivation.  It irks me to use a charge card to buy tobacco and food prices have blown through the roof.  I use to be able to smoke and eat less but cigarette prices have gotten outrageous as well.  The whole mess is a real cash bonanza if you’re a member of the right group.  Yet a best I can manage two days before I cave.

It might just be a case of Akrasia (I don’t think I spelled that right) or weakness of the will.  The problem is that I don’t want to quit smoking, I have to quit smoking.  I’m not interested in vapping, the patch or the gum….seems self defeating to me to use nicotine to quit nicotine.  The trick is to keep busy, my hands and my mind and have plenty too eat.  By the way, celery and carrot sticks don’t cut it, chocolate is better, besides its a mood altering drug in its own right.

The stress is probably the hardest thing but there is the dulling of mental agility and I lose the ability to keep track of time.  That last one is a major pain in the ass.

I haven’t given up yet.  I’m going to take another run at it tomorrow.  I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday.  If I make it past that and don’t find myself on a three day pass and manage bot to smoke. …Well, that would be a big deal.  I don’t like to think that far ahead though, not when it comes to Tobacco.

Hope you are well,

Be Blessed.