Tag Archives: love

Creation

I stand in the shadowy late hours

one flat foot

disoriented

my kidneys dwindling fast

maybe

my life would have been better spent in front of a television set

It seems that I can not resist

I must slug through the horrors of dark daily chores

In hope

of a few hours

of clear headed creativity

I take it as it comes

It can not be tricked

as if by a thief

lured like a lover

trapped like an animal

or snared by Magick

as though

It were a spirit or a demon

It comes as it chooses

It gives what it will

all one can do is practice

hone their meager skills

so when it comes they will be ready

as vacant as life can be

this capricious giver of gifts

laughing chooses with out reason

It will come

and when it touches you

If it touches you

If you be ready

It will touch you again

Sometime

Silent Thunder

I remember that we would get together, during the long warm or hot summer’s afternoon to listen to the rain.  It seems in my memory that this happened many times, everyday.  This could just be an illusion of memory.  It likes those type of jokes as it has a sense of humor all its own.

It would be with the first rumble of distant thunder, the skies just beginning to change to that soft grey.  We would gather on the front porch on a side street near the downtown each of us taking one of the many chairs trying to find the spot we thought would best keep us dry.  Dad would have his highball glass freshly filled with bourbon and water poured over an excess of ice and the remains of a long cold cigar stuck in the corner of his mouth.  On occasion these storms could be a bit hostile.  The thunder grew loud and angry either coughing racking cracks, loud or some times rolling like falling bowling pins.  The pale grey could get dark as though a blanket had been pulled over the sky.  It never got like night but it did sometimes turn to a slate grey green.

The wind would whip passed us and we would only leave the porch if it was impossible to stay some what dry, a little wet was to be expected.

When the sky was at its darkest on these summer afternoons would be the time that the lightening would show itself most brightly flashing wildly.  I know that the loud thunder and bright electric gripped me hard with cold tingling fear,  I don’t know about my brothers or mother.  What chatter there was between us would cease when those explosions of thunder occurred around the bright flashes of lightening.  Dad would laugh.  Maybe fear grabbed him too and laughter was just his way of dealing with it.

It was a summer tradition.

In time I would laugh too, when the fear that accompanied nature’s fireworks was at it worst.  This type of weather is like scotch, an acquired taste.  My memory shows me and tells me that both my brothers, brother number four was still a life time away, would laugh as well, the youngest being the last to begin the practice.

In time the laughter faded and we just sat, immersed in the moment.

Over time soda pop became beer and brother and I added tobacco, all at a legal age.  Mom fades from the picture in my head as well as the youngest brother.  We just sat in silence during those summer storms, in the moment until I had become to busy and I fade from the picture as well.

I don’t know how often mom joined us for those events or even the youngest brother but that may have nothing to do with the actual event.  It could be a trick of memory.  Maybe my mothers death back in 1988 at the age of 49 changed the way of where and when I remember her.  Youngest brother ceased any real participation in my life back in the early 1990s.  It could be the same type of phenomena.  It might be that the whole family gathered on that big front porch covered with a thick sturdy roof to watch the summer storms often and the events after the fact changed the way I remembered this.

I’ve noticed over the years, Meta and I had talked about it, that memory is quite strange.  Sometimes I see myself in my own memories, sometimes I do not.  Stranger yet I see the memory from strange angles, like a corner near the ceiling of the room of the event that I am remembering takes place.

The recollections of those summer storms seems like they came from a whole other life time.  My Mom would die a few years after these memories and my mental collapse came on the heels of that particular event, no big surprise in retrospect.  So when I look back from now I am not the same person as I was when the event I am recalling takes place.

Remembering is the the act of taking the pieces of a thing that has been dismembered and trying to put it back together.  That definition comes from the back of the cassette This Winters Night by the neopagan music group, MOTHER”S TONGUE.  Whenever I think about this I get the feeling that the thing dismembered has lost an indeterminate number of pieces.  That the reassembly is a difficult task.

I have spent time in my own memory making serious effort to avoid blame shifting and just trying to understand what’s has happened and why.  It is a task that will never be completed as memory is an imperfect thing.

Rather than remembering the dismembered it strikes me that memory is more like echos from some type of alien environment.  They are mix of known and unknowable some times in a language we recognize and sometimes in a tongue foreign to our ear and under the worst of circumstances a series of sounds not recognizable as a language at all.

Trying to remember anything with any form of relative accuracy is extremely difficult when I find my mind awash in hot sharp emotion.  It is possible to learn from such a thing and I have learned one important idea.

You can never know what is in the mind or heart of another person.

Its best not to assume otherwise.

 

Now just One Minute

I remember, when I was a bit younger, hearing that the life of a butterfly, once freed from the prison of its cocoon, lived for only a day.  I’m not sure how true that is as the Monarch Butterfly lives for six months, if memory serves.  Even if it is rarely true it is still an interesting fact.  I always wondered if that single day of life felt like a single day to the flutterby?  Does it feel as short as it sounds?

When I was about the age of 10 years I was struck by a strange near fatal illness.  I have always been under the impression that it was diphtheria, but I don’t know that as fact.  When I think about the butterfly flutteringby for its single day I wonder how long that passing day seems to the little critter.   I wonder if the butterfly can even conceive of the notion of time much less one as complicated as ours.  I wonder what it would be like for a lifetime to be such that the first half occurred in the light and the second half in the dark.  There is a point to this, I think.

We humans are quite curious in the way we understand our world.  Appointments, work schedules, bank accounts, credit cards, maps and countries are just a few numbers we use in almost every moment of our existence.  Nations, distance between cities and the diameter of our little planet and even the date of our birth and death are other numbers we use often.  Complicated ideas like force and velocity are also based on these strange numbers.  Weight, which is the effect of gravity on mass, length, height and time allow us as intelligent beings to develop an understanding of our reality.  These things, weight, length, time are metrics or units of measure are created by we humans and we accept them for the sake of simplicity.  They do not exist on their own in nature, there is a tree that grows yard sticks, meters, kilogram measures or seconds.  In my experience that is where the weirdness begins.

I don’t feel the passage of time naturally.  A clock does it for me but with out one I have no sense of time what so ever, unless I am smoking, tobacco.  Yes, I know it is bad for me.  Its been like that since my breakdown.  Maybe it was different in the respect of feeling times passage pre-breakdown but I have no point of reference, after all it was a long time ago.

I know this sounds crazy.

Really it came home to me after my fathers passing, when the ancient photos of a life so foreign to me came  back out into the world.  I knew the people in the photographs and yet I didn’t know them.  They were like a glimpse into a world that never existed even though I was pretty sure they had.

Over these many years with my strange occasional bouts of melancholy as though something had been lost, a thing that could never be regained, I found myself wondering as to the very nature of that thing.  After The old man’s death, when I became the old man, that sense had become exquisite ad sweet like some exotic food or strained alien mental sensation.

I wondered if I too was dead.

Would I know if I were?

Have my last many years of life been like that of the butterfly, just a day or a few hours as death was in the process of taking me?  I don’t think I would know the difference.  We have such definite ideas about the world but all of them are based on the measurement of our perceptions.

I find my self perplexed by the idea that these many years may be nothing more than phantasms of my dying brain.  My wife and friends and all these efforts to express my thoughts and even my brothers all figments of a sequence of neurons firing in those last few minutes while I lay in a hospital at the age of ten dying.

Does any of this really matter?

I think not.

Look for your Muse.  Only she can be your guide.

The Importance of Perception

I think most of us understand the value of perception, the act of perceiving.  This is much more than just the application of the physical senses, it also involves a long chain of rulings or judgments about the WHAT that is being seen, heard and so on.  So perception involves both physical senses and mental activity, including memory.  It is during this process that value is assigned to the thing, place or person that is being observed.

Familiarity is key here, for instance we assign value differently to things places and people that we know, followed by people that seem in some gross way to belong to our group, whatever that may be followed by groups, things, places and people we have some contact with even though the individual at time we are currently observing may not be known they may resemble a thing place or person that is known.  Those judgements of places things and people that we are the most intently skewed are the judgements or rulings made internally, in our minds about places, people and things for which we have no experience.  This is not to say that these judgements are necessarily skewed negatively as they could be skewed positively as well, neither extreme matters, what is important is that the perception is off because we are making assumptions about an object or person we know nothing about.

This is the curse of being human, the less we know the more we assume, but we are often incapable of differentiating between what we know and what we assume.  This also applies to world view.

There is world view, the view of ourselves in the world, the type of people we are in the world of nations, what are role is, and what the world is really like.  I grew up back in the 70s after the Vietnam War when the debated would on occasion rage about that war and they inevitably became debates about tactics and commitment of forces.  That was my experience.

We then, and I think now,  see ourselves as a force for good in the world, bringing freedom and democracy and wealth to all.  I am not being sarcastic here, there are many people who feel this way.  The last election illustrated it nicely.  “We should fix our own house first”  many said.  “We should stop paying for the world.”  There is plenty of footage on the web to sift through.  We see ourselves in the mirror of our minds eye.  There reflected back at us is a great and noble being only trying to do right, sure we made mistakes, misjudgments but we are making the effort to make it right.

This was most evident to me during the last campaign, especially in the area of foreign policy but also around the edges of domestic policy.  It was a debate over word choice.  Islamic Terrorist was one or those phrases.  Trump made the greatest blow to that image in the looking glass by simply stating policy when it came to the world.  He didn’t speak in glowing terms about our role in the world and then carry out acts of violence after the fact as had been the case in the years past.  The now President Trump stated ideas that were already being kicked around in the policy arena.  The border wall is not a new idea at the federal level, neither is bombing terrorists families or forcing allied states and protectorates to pay for U.S. protection.  Some of these concepts go backs to the 80s.

Our mirror is cracking and we can catch a glimpse of the beast through it.  Don’t close your eyes.

We as a people and possibly the world are entering a strange time.  We have yet to discard the factory model of living and move on to the next incarnation of our civilization.  It could be that this transition will not happen at all or that we will destroy ourselves before we can make the leap.  We can study history, but we should be careful not to live in it.  It can help us, serve as a guide, lend clues to understand the world as it is but it can also be a trap.  We can not count on governments or corporations to be our guide in our daily activities and in our daily interactions.  When it comes to how we see the world we can only count on ourselves.

What is done is done.  It can not be undone.  All that is left is to figure out what to do.

Equality under the Law

It is a phrase that we hear from time to time, depending on what we read, watch or listen to, that no one is above the law.  The law that is being discussed is either civil or criminal law, it is the law of and for citizens.  Every country, just about, has these laws on both a national and local level.  In my watching, listening and reading experience, when this phrase is used, no one is above the law, it is in the political arena.  It becomes apparent in the debate that this term is commonly applied to our political leadership and or our captains of industry.  For instance, the term war criminal gets bandied about one political or corporate leader here or there.  Kissinger, George W Bush, Barack Obama and soon, I am sure, Donald Trump will all stand accused of one crime or another the most interesting being a War Criminal.   Who is accused is largely partisan although there are some dissident voices from both extremes, left and right who seem to apply the term with an even hand.  There is a problem though, with the term, as it has little to do with civil or criminal law.  It deals with the laws of and between Nations, International Law.

This is where the weird and illuminating difficulty lies hiding.  There is the same problem with in International Law that there is with in national law.  That problem is that some nations are above the law and others under it lay.  It is evident that great nations or powers benefit from the laws of nations while weaker nations or states find that they are bound by these laws.  This becomes most apparent with respect to War Crimes. The side that wins the war, the most powerful, in American vernacular the winners, have never be tried for war crimes, they will never be seriously accused, in effect war crimes and the laws that define them do not apply.  In other words, regardless of lofty rhetoric War Crimes are exactly that, words designed to get a response and nothing more.  These Crimes are for the Losers, also a term common in American phraseology.

This may seem cold at first but there is a point.  While good citizen’s of the United States worry over serial killers and wax rabid about the crimes of great corporations horrendous things, criminal actions are being undertaken in our name.  At the very least that is how the victims of these actions see it.  The United States is not alone hear, it is in interesting company to say the least.  China, Russia and a couple of key members of that group of nations collectively known as the west, principally England and France.  Notice that The United States, Russia, China, England and France all have one thing in common, they are the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council.  Nothing passes with out their agreement, each has the ability to veto any measure the general assembly tries to pass and none of these nations has ever had to have any of its leaders, civilian or military face the charge of War crimes with the possible exception of France.  Instead they prefer the charge of treason.

Why am I talking about this?

We talk about peak oil, terrorism, global warming, nuclear war and other threats to our liberty and our lives.  The system, even the internet system, has away of putting our fears and problems on another level like a land separate or better yet a distant planet.  The secrecy that national security requires and our own elite notions of ourselves as a nation has put us in an unusual position.  We have faced the abyss and closed our eyes instead of taking the leap, letting our own eye wander inwards to survey our own inner world not only as individuals but as a people.  We as a people, I am beginning to believe that this a problem that effects all of humanity, have been put to the test and found lacking.  We are Morally corrupt and have no grasp of ethics while at the same time, we are sitting on a pile of the most destructive weapons ever conceived in written history.  Nuclear, biological, chemical and conventional weapons that until now were unimaginable in the hands of corrupt, confused or simply stupid politicians leading a populations dazzled by bright lights and shiny things or lost in the shadows.  People worry about global warming or rising opiod addiction as the war drums begin to bang and sabers rattle.  The idea of War Crimes like the death penalty, is as a deterrent to violent acts of aggression.  If a person or group of people are above this law then they have no consequences to worry them.

That’s real power, the lack of consequences.  So when the Trump haters and the Trump lovers are dukeing it out in the street and as the war over what words are legal and which are not continue just try and keep that in the back of your mind.  The current President is the type of leader that can find himself trapped in his own rhetoric and then boom.

It won’t be the end, just major set back with lots of pain all around.

That is the thing about Power.  It isn’t the wealth, the admiration of the masses, all the free or cheap stuff, the comfort, multitudes of people to boss around, markets to establish, resources to exploit or the access to the worlds best medical care, it is the absence of consequences.  Real power can kill and rape on a scale that would make Ted Bundy or Charles Manson’s eyes turn green with envy.  Like the old saying goes, Kill one man and you are a murder, kill a million and you are a conqueror.  That is the problem with power.  That is why so many desire it and why it will be our undoing.

We are entering an interesting time.  I can only offer this advice, mostly to myself.  When the abyss finally opens at my, our, feet don’t close your eyes and I won’t close mine either.  Always give those you love a hug. Finally always try and remember that you are blessed.

Have a better than average day.

Millennium

Days passed one into the other

as pages in a calendar

Through this year and into a new

One

ten cycles past the new

Century

and Millennium

adding to an ever increasing anxiety

People jumping within their

skins

Insides tickled by

a creature crawling

alone

The distance between I and the mirror

Like the gulf between galaxies

To speak unheard

to see unseen

in isolation

I Love You

There,

I just wanted to say it

It is not important

I work

making a study in your eyes

for a light long lost

an almost remembered condition

a connection

to a singular moment full of forever

Romantic Outlook for the House of Leo

Leo, the fieriest sign of the zodiac, I suppose…

This outlook is for new friends and old, lovers, flings and the possibilities of meeting new people that could be friendly acquaintances and potentially more.  This short reading holds sway for the period when the house of Leo holds sway.

The deck in use is the Native American.

Leo:

Cards Drawn:  The World (21 Major Arcana) and The Hermit (9 Major Arcana)

Two representatives of the Major Arcana in a two card draw means that things are really, really out of your hands.  That being said Leo’s will find that they are torn between the outer world, work, family, social obligations (politics?), charitable activities in a seeming flood of stuff that has to be dealt with, and inner world obligations, reflection, quiet time and other personal activities geared towards recharging and growing one’s self.  Already existing human relationships will be more difficult at this time as many will not easily understand your need (albeit unusual) for finding quiet isolated spaces.  New possibilities for friendships or love (sexual or more esoteric) will be scant as your time constraints will  be severe.  Keep in mind that any one still around at the end of this period stands a good chance of becoming a strong friendship at the very least.  Be wary of flights of fancy and the occasional temptation as you do not have the time for it.  Leo’s may find this state of affairs lasting well into fall, think Scorpio before moods shift.

Other Fire signs, Aries and Sagittarius.

Cards Drawn:  2 of Vessels (cups) and 4 of Pipes (Wands or staves)

When it rains it pours and during this period these signs will find themselves presented with many opportunities for new relationships especially sexual.  Be wary as some of these will not be positive.  Also their might be a pulling away from new friendships or romances be aware previous obligations especially in the family sphere.  Some of these individuals will create friction among your already existing social circle and also may attempt to pull you away from previously agreed situations.  Care is advised as many of these new acquaintances will be extremely tempting.

All Other signs:

Cards Drawn:  10 of Shields (inverse, coins) and Justice (11 Major Arcana)

It is the economy stupid, you may find that you just don’t have enough money to go around.  This will be a demanding period simply when it comes to making ends meet.  It is also a period when all debts will be paid.  Keeping this in mind, meeting new people will be the last thing on your mind.  It could still happen but it will come from left field or a place least expected.  An alert individual may find a strong new friendships if they pay attention.  That will require that they figure out how to deal with all debts and economic woes in a way that doesn’t bog down their thoughts and wind them out to the point of exhaustion.  May luck be with you cause your gonna need it.

Come what may try and have a better than average day.

 

The Power of Hesitation

It is easy, I have found, to get caught up in the moment.  The mob is both frightening and enticing.  Once caught in its grasp there is this shifting of responsibility away from the individual  to the seething throbbing whole.  In this surrender of free will one find’s themselves trapped without feeling trapped,  Now if you are into this sort of thing then you can feel free to stop reading,  This is a piece about exercising free will and its not for everyone.

Any given individual is either a part of an event, acting with in their own sense of agency or in a neutral, observer state.  Rephrase, we are reacting, acting or hesitating.  The professor who taught the Action Theory class I suffered through back in college, one Doctor Robins, might have referred to this as a folk analysis or a folk understanding.  Well everybody has to start somewhere.   We do not just live in a world of events, we also live in a world of agents.  This is why an understanding, in an individual sense, is so important.  This debate, in my limited experience, breaks down between Predestiny (Determinism) verses Free Will (Action Theory).  Determinism is the idea that whatever choice you make today, at this second is based on all of the previous events, experiences and choices that you have made in the past.  Action Theory is dependent on the idea of Agency.

Agency means that some entities are actors and that they possess a thing or an ability that allows them to act that is known as Will.  There is an intellectual tendency to choose a camp but I prefer the quantum equivalent.   That any given individual exists in two states simultaneously.   The predestined state and the free will state coexist and that our resting state is the predestined state.  In the Predestined state we are simply reacting to the events taking place around us.  There is no exercise of free will.  Think of it like breathing.  You do it with out thought, it requires no exercise of will, it simply is.  A person simply breaths because their body demands it.

On the other hand there is Agency.  We are all born with this ability, we are all made to be Free Agents and we all have Free Will.  The choice, though, is like a muscle, it has to be exercised.  There is where the problem lies.  How can any individual tell the difference between a reaction and a choice, choice in this case requiring the exercise of Free Will?

This is where hesitation becomes important, the previously mentioned third state.  If one carefully observes others they have the opportunity to notice instant reactions when they occur, like the knee jerk response.  I swear to you I have seen people jerk their knee when they hear something or see something that they instinctively react to negatively.  Hesitation takes a great exercise of will.  It also involves some risk.  When The Christ stated turn the other cheek, he is talking about denying the reaction and concentrating on the action.  The act of Hesitating has to become trained, instinctive, it is through the act of Hesitating that any individual might be able to begin to detect the difference between reacting and acting.  Hesitating is an exhaustive process as it denies the instinctive response.  It also requires that part of the individuals attention constantly be cast inward in a semi reflective state.  Any one following this path needs a quiet space where they can just be.  This will give them the opportunity to rest and recuperate.  The path of Hesitation takes discipline and patience.  In time the difference between the two states, reacting and acting, will become easily discernible.  This will give the individual the opportunity to act when they think or feel they must and save their energy for pursuits closer to the heart.

The test is a simple one.  People, especially educated people, are experts at pushing other peoples buttons.  That is saying or doing something that will provoke a reaction.  So the next time some one hits you, out of the blue and for no apparent reason, or says a thing that cuts deep, that causes your body to scream and demand a response, hesitate.  While hesitating watch the reaction of the provocateur.

That is where the real education begins.