Category Archives: Iba’s Diary?

april 2013

If I had a million dollars…I think that is how the song lyric goes.  I have spent time here and there over the years wondering what I would do if I had a millions dollars.  I was just thinking about that a few hours ago.  Now as the age in my personal chronology aproaches 49 I find that a million dollars isn’t what it use to be.  I think really a million dollars is a phrase, if allowed some peotic license, that really means: In a place where you don’t have to worry about money.  A certain kind of riches or wealth and now when I am 49 and I wonder what I would do with a millions dollars I find myself thinking about things.

Things like owning my own home some where out near the wilderness but not so near that I can’t get to a doctor when I need one.  I may find myself back on Dialyisis at any time and I need to be aware of that possibility and plan for it.  It would be nice to own a car, nothing fancy, just something reliable of course but a little flash could be cool.  Maybe buy some new clothes and a decent pair of shoes and I have always wanted a suit made to fit me.  The last new clothes I had managed to obtain were a couple of pairs of J.C, Penny old Gork, Dork, golf pants and a couple pairs of thermals (Always handy).  Boy that just sounds so old and before that I received a new pair of overalls from my great aunt back in 1998.  I keep hearing about the social security and food stamps gravy train but apparently I don’t know where it stops in my home town.  I’d love to take Meta out to a nice resturant where she could be waited on hand and foot.  I know the whole thing seems rather pathetic and small minded for with my million dollars I would be things and comfort.  Its kind of silly in a way for Meta and I have things, maybe not the most comfortable or the nicest and we really had to work to get them into our appartment but things none the less.  The United States has the best garbage piles in the world.  Its amazing what our brother and sister citizens just throw away.

I think really, in order for me to gain any insight into why I would spend my million dollars the way I would today I would have to remember what I thought I would do with a million dollars when I was 20 something let’s say.  Probably just after college and I parted ways when I worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.  I was single and had no children (That’s a whole nothing long and insan e story).  Yet I still thought about that million dollar question.  I think everybody does from time to time, unless they have a million dollars of course.

I still remember those fantasies, that’s the simplest term to describe them.  What would I do?  I would travel.  I would have the time to do do the things I love like writing or Art,  and of course sex and lots of it.  As I work to rememebr what it was I wanted so much then I find that I have those things now.  Maybe not in kuxury but I still do those things.  I write.  I’ve been writing a lot over the last twenty years.  I like to think that I am getting pretty good at it.  I am an exhibited artist, nothing amazing but exhibited none the less and have wone a few awards and I have a great relationship with a horny older woman.  We have even managed to travel some, camping style, but we did it.  It took planning to be sure.

I find it fascinating that as I study my world and find all the things that are lacking in it today.  Through reflection I find that I somehow, I don’t really know exactly how, I have many of the things I was wishing for years and years ago.

Reflection can serve many purposes, mostly to give us a point of reference and to help us appreciate hat we have, what blessings we have received.

I don’t know what else to say except Be Blessed.  The Blessings are all around you all you have to do is learn to see them.

3/30/2013

Hello out there to all you brave souls sallying forth into the E-universe.  I know its been a while since my last post and I wanted to apologize for that.  That damnable chest, throat, head, sinus and ear infection thing really hung up both Meta and I this whole month.  I was fighting it off and on through January and then again in  mid February but the bug just wouldn’t give up.  It was like trying to think through mud, everything slowed down and just our general household routine (What there is of it) became difficult to keep up with.  Along with the cold/flu symptoms was this overwhelming sense of exhaustion.  I think I might have finally beat this thing off but Meta is still fighting with it.  One of the things I take away from this experience is an awesome respect for everyday regular people,  I can’t honestly imagine how you folks stay on top of everything you have to get done every day.  Even with something as ridiculous and a sinus/ear infection.  As far as all those out there who maybe suffering with this weird flu/cold thing Meta and I are keeping thought space available to pray or whatever you want to call it so that you may be well.  Every little bit helps right?

The visionary forecast for 2013 is still coming and I hope to have it posted before the end of March, I know its late, but wish me the best any way.  May your spring be bright and full of hope.

As always,

Walk in blessing this and everyday.

1/19/2013

Got to say, this cold, if that is what it is just doesn’t want to let up.  The symptoms are clearing, I can breathe through my nose for example.  My head feels almost normal rather than filled with mud.  Don’t get me wrong, I could have been, have been, a lot sicker so I’m not complaining.

I finally had a decent day writing, not remarkable mind you, but decent.  That means that if I can show up tomorrow again I may be able to build some momentum,  I don’t like to sit on a story, especially fiction.  I find the more I dwell on it or that the process of thinking on it to excess sort of beats the life out of it.  It becomes sterile and lifeless, at least to me.  Then the process becomes a real chore.  I my experience though at some point any work of any serious length at some moment during the writing process, usually the rough, becomes a chore.  The inclination at that point is to leave it, hoping to come back to it some other time and that rarely happens.  Starting the work is easy, finishing it takes determination, much like pounding your head against a brick wall.  But, when it is finished, in the truest sense, when you have taken it as far as you can and that voice in the back of your mind begins to tell you its finished there is no feeling quite like that.  It is a thing I cannot describe adequately except it feels good to the better power.

Just wanted to let the world know I’m still kicking.  Hope you are at least as well.  Look for my forecast for the year 2013 in the next following days.

Be Blessed

1/7/2013

Well, its a new year.  I have to say that solstice was pleasant and tiring.  There were a few memebers of my family, new and old and we kept it simple but I still can’t get over how tiring it was.  Or how tired I was.  I’d like to think that it was because of my very low kidney function, but some many others have been saying the same thing.  So I have no idea what to make of it.  If you found yourself unusually tired this season feel free to leave a comment on it.  I’m curios if its just me or my imagination.

Another dear friend that we have not seen in some time stopped by and we shared space for a while.  She would be Susann, a poet and writer whose advice I appreciate, even when I resist and is always something of a comfort.  Unfortunately she entered, what my father would have called a sick house.  Step son A who shall remain nameless because of his incredible levels of paranoia came home one even sick with something that pretty much laid him out.  He doesn’t have access to medical care , lack of funds, so her resorted to over the counter cough and cold medicines.  I assume that this is what he had.  It would only be a couple days later that I would find myself with some kind of a chest cold.  It vaguely resembled bronchitis.  This would have been on the evening of the third, they day Susann had stopped by.  I certainly hope I did not pass it to her.  The bronchitis part last about 36 hours and pass through the throat, standard sore throat bordering on laryngitis and by the sixth it was entirely in my head.  All in all it could have been much worse, basically it made me feel miserable and messed with my ability to concentrate.  I did nothing more than force fluids.  Today I still have a touch of it but I am thinking it is on its way out.  Would some one out there knock on wood for me, please?

Meta now is seem ing like she might be wanting to come down with it.  we will see how she is feeling tomorrow.

I’ve been hearing rumors about something like this or some variation of a flu being passed around.  If you’ve been hearing the same, well I guess you can add this to your anecdotal evidence file.

It really has had a damping effect on my writing.  I think that is the most disappointing part of it.

Have a good new year any how, take it any way you can get it and by all means enjoy!

12/10/2112

Back at the end of November a family friend stopped by as he does almost every year sometime between thanksgiving and New Years,  He is Heow, an Alpha Geek .  He gave me a few tips on time management, and dealing with email and such.  I must be honest, my natural instinct, my immediate response to an advice, either good or bad is to resist.  I have to think on it a while and work it over in my head before I take it, if I take any of it.  Being that he lives and works in the E world, for the most part, I was more inclined to consider his ideas more intently than I would most anyone else.So I am applying them, with only half as much sucess as I hoped, but still applying the ideas with this little blurb

So last week on the days of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I managed to compile some 17,000 words on the manuscript I told you all about earlier.  It could be that most of the words are crap or even potentially gibberish but from them I hope to coax a story worth reading.  Its like I or you, if it applies, are running to get some place under extreme circumstances….to save your life or some elses maybe, and you begin to get tunnel vision, you become obsessed with the goal so much so that you can’t rest until it is done.  Considering and being aware of this from past experience I decided to take Friday, sleep in and then burn my brains out on you tube.  That way when  I approached the work again on Saturday or Sunday, it would be fresh.

I had earlier purchased command and conquer ultimate something or other and it had arrived from Best But on Saturday.  It was a download type game so I loaded up Origin software and downloaded the game.  The result was that my computer developed a bad case of the giggles.  It didn’t want to come out of hibernate.  It repeatedly crashed as I powered it up from shut down.  I’ve spent the better part of Sunday and a good bit of today just trying to get the poor thing back al hooked back together?  I believe I finally have.  I’ll keep it short…update and repeat update anti-virus definitions, turn on systems that had some how been turned off, uninstall this and that, restored the system twice.  Update the BIOs, I didn’t even know what that damn thing was  and finally it seems to have gotten  back together and I did it without having to deal with anyone over the telephone.

Simply put, I dealt with it, as imperfect as the process was, with the only real talent I have left, blind dumb determination.  I’ll find out tomorrow whether or not I screwed it up worse but for the moment, as I write this, I feel an odd sense of accomplishment because as I have said in the past, I don’t know what I am doing most of the time.

I want to make it clear that in no way am I blaming EA (Electronic arts) or the Origin website since I have no idea what actually caused the malfunction and from my paging through the e-manual it appears to be a problem fairly common with ASUS notebooks.

Finally, if you want to check out my friend’s website then go to  http://www.lispnyc.org/blogs/Heow

12/5/2012

I kind of disappeared there for about a month or so, sometimes things just get a little out of hand.

I don’t have any idea what I am doing most of the time and I will be the first one to admit that little fact.  Generally, I just act like I know what I am doing, you know, faking my way along until either I finally figure out what ever it is that I am supposed to know or getting fired, or something along those lines.  This has worked fairly well for me over the years especially since I washed out of college my senior year.  Really it was much more like crashing and burning out of college in a spectacular explosion of destroyed dreams and lost hope.  It would later turn out that there was a reason for this occurence, in this case I was disturbed.  They call it lots of things like schizophrenic, paranoid schizophrenic, schizoaffective, manic,  Psychotic and that was an adjustment, to put it mildly.  As a child I loved to read and always thought if I could find the time that I would like to take a stab at it, forgive the unfortunate word choice.  But writing was easier said than done and english was never a strong talent of mine, as I had time and hated television it was one of the things I filled my evenings with.  Over all I’d have to say that it was one of the least expensive hobbies, there for affordable on the bit I get from social security.

So that’s what I’ve been trying to learn how to do over the last twenty or so odd years.  I’m beginning to think I might have gotten a handle on it.  First with pen and paper, then typewriter and finally just over a year ago, maybe more like a year and a half, finally a computer.  This brings me back to the earlier point that I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time.  So I just try to fake my way through it and I have to say its been slow.  Still with the advent of this wide electronic world and the ease for a lone author to self publish I have decided to challenge myself by attempting to complete not one but two books by the next vernal equinox.  Iba’s diary will be a place that I can occasionally let you know how its going.

After all if you know too then I have all the more impetus to see this thing through.

Thanks.